People always talk about fate. Destiny.
I never used to believe in that. Some things are just out of your control.
Lik e my parents. They died when I was 1 8.
There was nothing I could do about that.
But was that fate?
Then you would have to say everything was fate.
Who you spend your life with.
What you end up doing for a living.
Is what happens prepackaged and served to me by a higher power?
I didn't think so, but there has to be some explanation.
Because my life was totally different a couple weeks ago.
-I went to the bank today. -Yeah?
-Have you checked our baIance IateIy? -No.
-Wait. Did we? Did we do it? -We did it§
We have exactIy $30,00$6.
We can get married§
Yes.
I know you thought it was siIIy to wait untiI we had this money...
...before we got married, but now we can put a payment on a house...
-...we can pIan a famiIy.... -Elaine was incredible.
I'm so happy.
Not here.
-You can kiss me at home. -Although she did have one odd habit.
She cried when we made love.
Very loud crying, which made it kind of tough to concentrate.
Are you okay?
-Bye, sweetie. -Bye.
She ran a gift-bask et business. It was about to turn the corner.
And I was the assistant manager at Homespital...
...a store that sold medical supplies for the home.
I know it's a Iot of money, sir, but it's a Iot of chair.
-John? In my office. -Excuse me.
If there was one problem, it was that I work ed for Elaine's father, Mr. Warner.
There always seemed to be an unspok en tension between us.
John-boy§ Come on in. Sit down.
My IittIe girI toId me the big news.
-WeII, I'm gIad, John. I'm reaIIy gIad. -Yes, sir§
He wasn't glad. He hated me.
I think he even trained his dog, Rex, to hate me too.
You're an honourabIe kid. You don't see that these days.
I appreciate that you have been true to your word to me...
...and that you have not sIept with my daughter.
Have you sIept with her, John?
-No, sir. -Okay, aII right. I'II teII you what.
I'm gonna give you a few seconds of immunity.
If you've sIept with her, teII me here, teII me now, and we'II Iet it go.
Have you sIept with my daughter?
Mr. Warner, I have never sIept with EIaine.
Good§ Goddamn it, that's good.
If you had, I was gonna kick your baIIs into your head...
...and Iet them rattIe in your skuII Iike dice in a cup. Have a good one.
To be completely honest, he sort of gave me the creeps.
He had a slightly weird relationship with his daughter.
But aside from that and my job...
... life was pretty good.
-Hi. -Hi. John, Iook at this biscuit basket.
-Think the biscotti makes it Iook busy? -No, it Iooks great.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
It does Iook good. I'm proud of this basket.
-You shouId be. It's good work. -Thank you.
-We shouId head to my sister's soon. -Oh, yeah.
I'm not going.
Elaine never lik ed my sister, Patty.
Maybe it's because Patty was a free spirit.
I say free spirit because I'm uncomfortable calling her...
...sexually indiscriminate trailer trash.
-Hey, Patty§ -Where's EIaine?
Headache.
Poor thing. ProbabIy from being such a bitch 24I7.
You know, she reaIIy Iikes you.
And I'm growing a dick, how about that?
EIaine wanted me to give you this gift basket.
God§ Fantastic§
Because this one was starting to reek.
-Thanks. -I hope you didn't cIean on my account.
Hey, you know what? It has been crazy around here, aII right?
Both of the cats ran away. Both of them. Two cats, MIA.
-What wouId make them do that? -SeIf-respect?
-Hi, UncIe John§ -Hey§
Noreen's my niece. We're not sure who her dad is...
...so I spent as much time with her as I could.
-Happy Halloween! -Hi! What are you?
I'm the Statue of Liberty.
You could say I'm the closest thing she has to a father figure.
-Good luck! -Thanks, Uncle John!
Come on! These carcasses don't move themselves.
And I'm proud to say, she turned out to be a great kid.
Genuine, hard-working...
...and in spite of everything that had happened around her, normal.
-Hi. -Why are we watching these?
We're ceIebrating. Noreen has news.
-PIease teII me you're not pregnant. -UncIe John§
Here we go§ Remember this?
Hi. Sorry I'm late. Traffic. Has the spelling bee started yet?
She's already out.
Got her on the first word. It was rigged. I'm writing a letter!
Noreen. I'm sorry.
-What was the word she misspelled? -Tarp.
-Tarp? -Yeah.
T-A-R-P?
Great. Where were you five minutes ago?
-I'm stupid. -No, you're not. You're smart.
-Yes. -You'll do great in school...
...you're gonna go to college, you're gonna be brilliant.
WeII, UncIe John, you were haIf right.
I don't know if I'm briIIiant, but guess who got into Harvard?
-I can't beIieve it§ -What?
-I got accepted to Harvard University§ -You're kidding§
That's what this is about? That's incredibIe§
-I know§ -My IittIe goddamned genius§
See? What did I teII you?
You work hard and foIIow your dreams, and things wiII aIways work out.
You were right.
-Bet you're sorry you promised. -What promise?
Wait§ Here it comes. My favourite part.
I'm never gonna go into college now.
Yes, you will. I guarantee it.
I believe in you so much, know what I'm gonna do?
-What? -I'm paying for it.
You get into college, and I'll pay for it.
And that's a promise from your Uncle John.
I'II be right back.
Idiot§ Idiot§ Idiot§ Idiot§
You know, Noreen, a Iot of kids are Just taking a year off these days.
Ever think about that?
TraveIIing? Seeing Asia? Lot of peopIe there. Must be something to it.
-Do you not want me to go to Harvard? -What? No§
I Just think there's vaIue to being on the road with nothing but $1 00.
HeII, I'II give you $1 00.
If it's about money, don't worry.
I've saved aImost everything I've ever earned for this.
PIus, I get financiaI aid, so it's aII pretty much paid for...
-...except one IittIe chunk. -Good§
-How much more money do you need? -$29,879.
That's the smaII chunk?
It's expensive.
Found one.
And we need the money by the 1 5th.
Yeah. There's our Mr. Biscuits.
I have to go. Yeah, he Just waIked in.
I didn't know how to do it, but I had to tell Elaine our house fund...
...had just become Noreen's college fund.
So how was Patty's?
ReaIIy nice.
-You know, Noreen's a great kid. -Yeah.
So much raw potentiaI.
-Boy, with the right opportunities.... -So I found this great house today.
What do you think?
It's great. It's a charming starter house on a spectacuIar tree-Iined street...
...and it has hardwood cabinets. And I Iove it.
If you go by and Iike it too, then maybe we couId--
Don't you think we're moving fast here?
John. I know it seems scary to be spending aII this money on a house...
...but that's what we've been saving for.
My mom and dad fought about money, but that can't happen to us...
...because we have $30,000...
...for our house. Our home. Our future.
And no one can take that away from us.
That's what I meant.
So Noreen got into college, and Elaine had found our dream house.
These wonderful things were lock ed in a struggle for the same money.
Not $30, $30,000.
I had to try and borrow it.
-HeIIo, dear. -I called my Aunt Jean.
-No§ -My Uncle Dave.
-No§ -And my grandmother.
Who do you think I am? AIbert fucking Trump?
It was my last option. A man whose ideas were sometimes so dumb...
... they were brilliant. I had to go to Duff.
Hey, man, how you been?
Hey, John. Been aImost two months. Did you disappear off the face of the earth?
-I've Just been busy. -I've been busy...
...with my Iandscaping company, Landscape Escape.
Doesn't mean I have to go and disappear off the face of the earth.
-I can't stay mad at you, man. -Duff§ You burned me.
John§ John§
-Tarp? -Yep.
-Like a tarpauIin? -No, Just tarp.
Who can't speII tarp, Duff?
Duff? Don't you think you're taking a IittIe too much off the top?
I know what I'm doing.
I have to taper it so Iight reaches the Iower Ieaves during growing season.
But what about this string?
This string is a guide, John. It's Just a guide.
-I don't know what I'm gonna do. -Know what your probIem is?
You don't understand an oath is an oath. You made an oath to your niece.
No, I didn't.
It was Just an offhand remark.
-How much money you got? -30,000.
But that's for buying EIaine a house.
Right. Look, I'm your friend. I feeI Iike I can taIk straight with you.
EIaine, I Iike her. I Iike her a Iot, John. But she's a bitch§
-She's a dirty, dumb bitch§ -Duff§ Come on.
There are more productive things to do with money besides buying a house.
-Such as? -Such as...
...putting it in a bag and throwing it off a cIiff.
And that's Just coming off the top of my head.
-I do know how you can get the money. -How?
You take $1 000, you go to the horse racetrack...
-...you put it on a 30-to-1 . -What's wrong with you?
John, it's been done, man. Kevin DarneII, remember him?
He put money down, won, and bought a used DeLorean.
He crashed it and died, but he did get money. It can happen.
I was hoping for something Just this side of theoreticaIIy possibIe.
You know any criminaIs?
Because, you know, criminaIs have Iots of money.
How about David Loach?
David Loach from high schooI? That guy's a psycho.
You know what your probIem is? You're mentaIIy infIexibIe.
-Duff, I hate to ask, but-- -John, I'm not rich, you know.
I may Iook it because of my expensive tooIs and my wonderfuI truck.
I'm Iike BiII Gates. He may be the richest, but he doesn't have money.
It's aII tied up in stocks. I'm not Iiquid, John.
-I'm not Iiquid. -What does that mean?
It means I don't have any money for you, man.
Duff couldn't give me money, but he could certainly give me advice.
Know what your probIem is? You don't take responsibiIity seriousIy.
Maybe you shouId have thought before you went and became an uncIe§
I'm doing my best, Duff. I know she's overcome a Iot to turn out normaI.
There haven't been many peopIe who heIped her.
-Yeah. -But you know what?
I'm gonna be one of them. If I don't come through for her now...
...it's possibIe she couId Iose faith or whatever she's got that's working.
I'm getting that money, Duff. Even if I have to go to David Loach.
You're not gonna have to go to David Loach.
I've got another idea.
Can you get the beer?
Hey, kids. Duff's DiaI-A-BottIe. Time to party.
-It'II be 20 each. -I thought it was 1 5.
That's what the fIyer says.
But the fine print says '' prices subJect to change.'' Read the fIyer.
You happy? You scum§ Give me the money.
I'm not making money. Do I Iook rich? I bareIy break even. Go§
You skunks§ You pukes§ Read the fine print.
That is the most irresponsibIe thing I've ever seen you do.
Look, I provide a pubIic service, John.
One way or another, they were gonna get drunk.
Maybe they wouId have drank mouthwash or sniffed gIue...
...but, you know, they wanted beer. Those are good, honest kids.
They deIiver newspapers, return oId pop bottIes aII week....
They deserve to unwind and get drunk. It's aII part of the American dream.
Your American dream Just gave you the finger.
It's their freedom.
Jesus, Duff§
Here are your briefs, WaIter. Hi, John.
-Hi, Mrs. Duffy. -How are your foIks, John?
Dead. StiII.
I forgot. I'm so sorry. I'm on medication and it makes me Ioopy.
-Mom§ -Say hi to your foIks, John.
You have to forgive her.
She's been going through empty nest syndrome since I moved out.
Moved out? You're 20 feet from the house.
Yeah. And I Iove the freedom.
I couId keep these beauties on as Iate as I want.
Great.
John....
I have a cIient.
Lives over in the Pembroke HiIIs Estates area.
Guy's Ioaded. Last week, I was Just finishing up a Job....
But I thought I'd do one last round of the property. You know, details?
Inspection is important to me. Thought I'd check out the whole interior.
Although I'm an exterior landscaper, John, I also do interior work.
I was hungry, so I thought I'd heat up a brick of cheese.
I need my cheese!
But, John, I heard something upstairs...
...and I thought, ''I should check this out. ''
So I went to look around and I saw this painting on the wall...
...and something didn't seem right about it.
And I touched it, and it moved.
And behind the painting, there was this safe.
But I heard someone coming, so I gracefully slipped out.
But the best part, John, is the safe...
-...it wasn't even Iocked. -Nope.
You turn this corner, and it's the whoIe sIippery sIope.
Your whoIe moraI code goes out the window. No way.
Look. Is it moraI to Iet some fat, greasy man roII around naked...
...in a piIe of cash when it couId be used for something good...
...Iike sending Noreen to coIIege?
-We can't. -The guy's never home Sunday nights.
Sunday we go there, sIip through the window...
...which I accidentaIIy Ieft unIocked today.
And we grab the money.
-The guy won't miss the money? -Heard of insurance?
Heard of insurance? It's caIIed insurance.
He's not gonna miss the money. He's not gonna pay.
The insurance guys are gonna have to pay.
And they deserve to pay§
Bastards.
Where are you going?
-Why are you here? -I Iive here.
-I thought you were going to a movie. -That was Iast night.
-We're supposed to Iook at that house. -I can't. I've gotta go out.
Why are you aII dressed in bIack? Are you going to rob a bank?
No, baby. I'm Johnny Cash. HeIIo.
But I'II Iook at the house on the way home. Okay?
Soon as I'm done robbing that bank.
Have a good time.
-Okay. Ready? -Yeah. Let's go.
Sorry.
AII right.
-Here we go. -Let's go. Let's go, Iet's go.
-Under the fence. -Wait.
Go. Go. Go.
What are you doing? It's open.
John. See those dead bushes? I pIanted those.
-That's the window there. -Who shouId go first?
-I'm not going in. -What?
Someone has to watch in case he comes home.
-You said he wouId be out. -He wiII be.
-Then why do we need a Iookout? -We don't. Just go in.
-You go in. -I don't need money. Why risk it?
-What risk? -There is no risk.
Just go§
-Crap§ John. -HeIIo?
John§
Good Iuck, buddy.
WeII, weII. What have we here?
-PIease don't shoot me. -I'm not going to shoot you.
-Are you gonna caII the poIice? -No.
What are you gonna do?
My wife died severaI years ago, and it's....
It's reaIIy nice to have someone around.
-Now what? -Now we're going to spoon.
Spoon?
You remember when we went to Nova Scotia that spring...
...and we had those sand dabs at that restaurant on the bay?
-Yes. -Weren't they tasty?
Yes.
I don't think we've ever had sand dabs that tasty again.
-Remember the boat ride over? -Yes.
We drove.
Oh, yeah.
Happy times. Turn.
The petting zoo....
AII right. Now we do the photo shoot.
Oh, my God.
It won't do you any good to teII anyone.
I'm a respected member of the community. No one wiII beIieve you.
A mint?
I'm not gay.
I miss her very much...
...and I haven't been abIe to properIy grieve and Iet go.
-Do you understand? -Yeah.
Catch you around here again, I'II kiII you§
That was enough. I had to tell Elaine that Noreen needed our money.
And no matter how unpleasant that would be...
... it couldn't hold a candle to the fetish I just endured.
Hi.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Wait. Don't you think you shouId teII me what happened at that house?
What?
You said you were gonna Iook at that house.
That house. Yeah, I Iooked at it.
-It was great. Great. -Oh, God.
I am so gIad you Iiked it.
Because I did something bad.
I can't even beIieve I did this, but I put in an offer.
-What do you mean? -I know. It seems so impuIsive.
But I Just Iove the house so much, and you do too, so....
-What about the $30,000? -It's gone§
AII of it. In escrow. And we find out tomorrow if they accept the offer.
Isn't it exciting? Everything is working out exactIy Iike we pIanned.
Aren't you thriIIed?
-Yeah. -You don't Iook thriIIed.
I'm in happy shock.
Duff§ You Ieft me there.
You said he wasn't home Sunday nights.
I tried to warn you. What happened?
Nothing. AbsoIuteIy nothing happened at aII.
If nothing happened, why are you so angry?
EIaine put in an offer on this house. If they accept, our money's Iocked up.
''Sorry, Noreen. Hope you Iike working at Dairy Queen.''
Mr. Warner wants to see you in his office.
Thanks, Loretta.
I'm caIIing regarding the property on Hyden Street.
I'd Iike to put in an offer.
You have an offer aIready now, do you?
WeII, perhaps I couId throw my hat into the ring.
John. Come on in.
So, John-boy....
What did you and my IittIe girI do Iast night?
-Hung out, watched teIevision. -ReaIIy?
That's funny. I was visiting a friend near Pembroke Heights Iast night...
...9:30, 9:45, and I thought I saw you...
...run out of somebody's house Iike a bat out of heII.
I saw you, John. Rex saw you.
-No. -No, John?
Odd. It Iooked Just Iike you, and guess what?
He got into a car Iooked Just Iike your car.
Interesting.
You wouIdn't Iie to me. So I guess my eyes were pIaying tricks on me.
I'II Just have to watch what's going on more carefuIIy, won't I?
-You won't have to watch-- -Watch what?
I won't have to watch what? Go ahead, say it.
-I shouId-- -Say it§
Confess§
I reaIIy need to get back to work.
We know.
We know, don't we, Rex?
Okay. I see what's going on here. You think you're Mr. ReaI Estate.
That's great. Let me ask you this: Do you have any kids?
Good. Three of them? WeII, that's even better.
Because I want an audience when I come over, take you out...
...and beat the Iiving beJesus out of you§
-I was putting an offer on your house. -Great. How'd that go?
He's muIIing it over.
We got the house§
I was worried about the other offer, but it feII through.
It must be fate§ I'm so happy§
ShouId we stop?
Why do you aIways do that?
We get a nice mood going, and then you ruin it.
I think you have some intimacy probIems, John. I reaIIy do.
What is that?
John§ John, come here§
Is that Duff?
Yeah, I guess it is.
-You can't ring the doorbeII? -I didn't wanna wake up EIaine.
That's why you were revving your engine?
Okay, weII, I guess someone doesn't want $30,000.
-From where? -I asked my uncIe.
Are you serious? I don't know what to say.
Don't worry about it. Hop in. We gotta meet him in 1 5 minutes.
-I see. -What is he doing here?
-Evening, ma'am. -You wanna shut off M'Lady?
You wanna shut it off for me? Maybe you'd Iike to shut it off for me§
Just, pIease. Just sit tight a second. Okay?
I thought you weren't hanging out anymore.
-Duff's grown up an awfuI Iot. -He's stiII an asshoIe.
-CasseroIe. -I said asshoIe.
-I thought you said casseroIe. -I said asshoIe.
I heard casseroIe.
I bumped into Duff, and when he heard about the new house...
...he was so thriIIed, he offered to do some free Iandscaping.
-What are you--? -Don't wait up, okay?
-We may have to do soiI tests-- -Got soiI testing....
-You're-- -Check the roots....
-Checking the roots. -Don't--
-Irrigation. -What are--?
You're waking everybody up§
You come here a Iot, Jack?
I don't think that's any of your goddamn business.
-Sorry. -So here's the deaI.
The state Iottery Jackpot's up to $8$6 miIIion this week.
I don't think the Iottery's gonna heIp.
Shut up before I show this shoe your anaI cavity.
I don't Iike this guy. I got a feeIing.
He Just wants to know what's going on, okay, UncIe Jack?
Not here.
My uncIe owns one of the biggest Iiquor stores in the state.
He's a very successfuI man.
That's because I found an opportunity and expIoited it.
That opportunity being aIcohoIics.
And after aII these years of work, I wind up being a pimp for the state.
-The Iottery. -The Iottery.
I have one of the biggest Iottery outIets in the state.
Tomorrow aIone we'II take in over $7 0,000.
You know what I get for that? Pennies? It's an insuIt.
So teII him the pIan.
Not here.
I got so much Iottery money, I can't fit it in the cash register.
I dump it into a cardboard box under the ticket terminaI.
Can you imagine how easy it wouId be to steaI that money?
-WouIdn't that be bad? -That wouId be bad, hamster-dick...
...unIess I knew who was robbing me, and we had a deaI worked out.
It's fooIproof. We stick the pIace up, we grab the money and we're done.
-And you're gonna be there. -No, I'm going to be in Reno...
...so nobody smeIIs anything.
The kid behind the counter weighs Iike 8 pounds.
Is he gonna piss when he sees what a big gun you have?
-Gun? No. No way. -We're not gonna use reaI guns, John.
-We're not gonna use reaI guns. -Just bring me the cash...
...I'II give you 30,000 for your troubIe.
You in or out?
-Can I think about it? -WhiIe I think about cutting off...
...your sack with a duII penknife.
-Where did you get him? -What are you doing, man?
Excuse me.
Is this 1 000/0 cotton? I want something that wiII breathe.
-Nice. -We're going skiing.
None of these guns Iook reaI. This one is green. This one turns into a robot.
Don't they have any that Iook Iike reaI guns?
-Maybe we shouId use sIingshots. -A sIingshot is not a reaI weapon.
-It's a toy. -It's not a reaI weapon, is it, John?
Define the word weapon for me...
...whiIe this baby smashes into your tempIe at 1 80 miIes per hour.
-HeIIo? -Hi.
-Can I heIp you? -We're Iooking for a gun...
...that Iooks Iike a reaI gun. MetaI, possibIy with some boIt action.
We don't seII reaIistic weapons, sir.
Our store's poIicy is to make chiIdren's gunpIay nonvioIent.
Do you seII spray paint?
-Can I heIp you guys? -No, no. We're cooI.
Look, John...
...we got Mr. Tough Guy here.
Are you ready?
No?
How about now, you bastards?
You want a sIice of this?
How wouId you Iike a whoIe pIatefuI of this, you stupid bastards?
What?
You boys Iook nice. Are you going to the dance?
Mom...
...get out of here§
-You nervous? -I guess.
-You got your gun? -Yeah, but the paint is a IittIe sticky.
-It Iooks good, though. -Thanks.
-Let's do this. -Yeah.
-John, wait. -What?
-We shouId make up some names. -Why?
Just in case we have to communicate inside.
I wanna be KyIe. I knew this guy, his name was KyIe. He was maybe 1 3.
He got two girIs pregnant. Two girIs pregnant.
-Yeah, KyIe. Who you gonna be? -Steve.
-Yeah.
-Okay, Steve. -Okay, KyIe.
Wait.
-What? -Wait, I wanna be Steve.
-I'm Steve. You're CarI. -KyIe§
-I Just wanna go in there and do this§ -KyIe§
Excuse me.
AII right, American cattIe§
Nobody does anything stupid and you go home to your TV dinners.
-Put your hands in the air, sweetheart. -Shit.
-Get them up. -Give us the money.
-It's underneath. -I'II get it.
If he tries to be a hero, you pop him, KyIe.
-I hear you, KyIe. -I'm Steve. I'm Steve.
-He's KyIe§ -Give us the money§
-Keep the hands up, schooIboy§ -Here.
Yeah, come to Steve.
AII right, get on the fIoor and count to 300.
No skipping numbers or counting in base 8 or anything Iike that.
-One. Two.... -Look at this gun. This one's better.
Not now. Let's go§
I don't think so, punk-ass§ Freeze§
You move, I pop you Iike a pimpIe.
Now put the box down.
Now drop the guns.
Drop it§
-I'm trying. The paint, it's stuck. -Fucking get with it, John.
Steve. My name is Steve§
Drop it§
Go§ Go§ Go§
-We aImost died. -I've never been shot at before.
There was one other time, but I didn't know tiII after.
I toId you it was a bad idea. I toId you§
-Know your probIem? -Get out§
You can't thank peopIe for trying to heIp.
HeIp me get my ass shot off?
I give up. I faiIed Noreen, and I don't care. I wanna get back to my Iife.
I've been thinking of this scam that invoIves pizza deIivery.
You were never Steve§
One of these guys was about $6 foot. What about the other guy?
The same, onIy heavier.
-And you said his name was...? -John or KyIe...
...or Steve.
-And the other guy's name was...? -KyIe or John or Steve.
-Do you have a permit? -Yes, sir.
-How many times did you fire it? -Just once. I shot out the window.
I didn't shoot out the sign. They did that.
They shot the sign, not me.
And then they doubIed back and stoIe the surveiIIance tapes.
They were crazy. They were crazy. They were crazy.
Anything eIse you'd Iike to teII me right now?
I don't know if this wouId heIp...
...I remember four digits on the Iicense pIate.
No. I don't think that wouId heIp at aII.
What are you, a compIete numskuII? Give me the numbers.
Yeah, I can't beIieve I got in§
-Patty? -Who is it?
-It's John. -HoId on§
-How's it going? -Hi.
The doorbeII gave out this morning, and they couIdn't fix it.
-A IittIe Iate for an eIectrician. -I don't Iike your tone.
You got something to say, why don't you say it?
Hey.
I know I've aIways been too wiId for your tastes...
...but what can I teII you? I've got an independent spirit.
And a thing for the EIectricians LocaI 21 4.
Why are you so mean? Give me a break.
Patty, I'm sorry§ I'm having a reaIIy rough time right now.
I'm having troubIe getting it together.
John....
Do you remember Mom and Dad's funeraI?
-And that suit you wore? -The brown one.
You couIdn't tie your tie, and you asked me to do it, but I couIdn't.
-It was no big deaI. The priest did it. -But that is a big deaI, John.
Because I'm your oIder sister, and I couIdn't even tie your goddamn tie.
I mean, Iook, I know I'm not gonna win the Best Sister prize...
...but--
God, John...
...what you are doing for Noreen...
...is so generous and so good.
It's nice to know after aII this time...
...I have a IittIe brother who maybe sort of Ioves me.
You know I Iove you.
You're my famiIy.
UncIe John§ What a surprise§
This is my uncIe. If it wasn't for him, none of this wouId be possibIe.
PuII the vehicIe forward. A IittIe more. A IittIe more.
Ricky, swing to the branch. Swing your body.
Pretend you're a IittIe monkey, but you have a saw...
...and you're pruning. You're a monkey.
Good. Yeah, no-- On the branch. Prune, Ricky, prune.
Swing it, swing on the branch. On the branch, Ricky§
Hey, how did she take the news? Did she start to cry?
Did she shake? She didn't wobbIe?
I didn't teII her, Duff, and I'm not going to. Noreen is going to Harvard.
Because I am going to see Loach.
-Are you sure? -Yeah.
And you're coming with me. Right now.
Okay, that's an act of God.
Hang in there, Ricky.
Yes, I understand it was a funeraI. I guess I goofed up.
I can see how a happy happy-birthday basket...
...might seem ironic and crueI, but it was an honest mistake.
It's not that easy running a smaII-sized business out of a house...
...especiaIIy this house§
I'm sorry he's dead, but things haven't been great around here either.
Can I put you on hoId?
-Hello. -Daddy?
Is it okay if I come over?
-What do you want? -Hey, is Loach here?
Lift high and lower. Point the toes. Flatten abdominals.
Hey, guys. We're oId friends of Dave's.
We went to schooI with him.
Yeah, schooI. I'm sure you've heard of schooI.
You probabIy went there for a coupIe of days whiIe you were IittIe.
I'm Just kidding. Trying to break the ice.
Why is anybody taIking?
Hey, Dave.
John PIummer. Remember? You used to caII me asshoIe?
-I caII everybody asshoIe. -I beIieve I was the first.
-We were 5, maybe $6, at the time. -CongratuIations, asshoIe.
Now get to the point.
I might need a partner for some heavy stuff.
How heavy?
WeII, Iet's Just say it's a IittIe too heavy to Iift aIone.
Okay, so taIk.
Not here.
Okay, Just so we're aII on the same page, I'm fIying right now. AngeI dust.
So Iet's keep it reaI, boys. Keep it reaI, and nobody is getting hurt.
I couId smeII your foot. I couId smeII your foot on that one.
He's been acting strange. He's been out three nights.
The first night he came home, he went and took a shower.
-That's not good. -He's having an affair, isn't he?
Now, sweetheart, Iet's not rush to Judgment. But yes.
Your shitty boyfriend is having an affair...
...and we might have some information about that.
TeII me. TeII me.
No. I don't want to upset you untiI it's absoIuteIy certain...
...that I can upset you. Let me do some snooping...
...and then we'II respond swiftIy and without mercy.
What happened? Did he give you the money?
He said he'd get it for me tomorrow, Duff. It couIdn't have been easier.
I don't know how this is gonna go down, sweetheart.
-Things couId get a IittIe crazy. -I don't want you getting hurt.
Kitten, I gave the VC 1 8 months to hurt me, and I waIked away Iaughing.
-Don't worry about me. -I'm coming.
No, you're not. This doesn't concern you.
Doesn't concern me? It's my Iife.
You made a heck of a Job out of it. This guy is a Iump.
I don't want you wasting more time. Who is gonna support you?
I can support myseIf. Once my basket business turns the corner, I--
Putting bows on faggy IittIe oIives and water biscuits is not a Job.
It's a nice hobby, but it wiII never pay the biIIs.
It's aIways money with you.
Sometimes I think you care more about money than you do me.
Kitten, honey, innocent....
I don't want you getting aII emotionaI about this.
Yeah.
HeIIo? Is anyone home?
HeIIo?
WeII, weII. What have we here?
What kind of car did we have when we first got married?
-I think it was an EI Dorado. -Yes.
It was an EI Dorado, wasn't it? Turn.
I'm not a homosexuaI, you understand. I Just-- I miss my wife very much.
-I Iost my wife three years ago. -You know what I'm going through.
WeII, not to this extent, per se, but I have a rough idea.
You can go ahead and put your cIothes on.
Can I have some privacy? I feeI funny getting dressed around other men.
What the heII?
I'm here investigating a hoIdup of a Iiquor store...
...that occurred a short time ago on Fourth Street.
-I don't know anything about that. -That's odd. Here's why.
The Iicense pIate on your car matches the Iicense pIate of the car...
-...used during the robbery. -That's not possibIe.
-It was with me the whoIe night. -Where were you?
With.... My friend.
-Having a coupIe beers. -Where?
I Just don't reaIIy remember, because I was, you know, a IittIe messed up.
-You drove drunk? -I'm sorry?
You were in the car and you were drunk, so you drove drunk.
Not that I can recaII.
-What was your friend's name? -WaIter Duffy. Duff.
And this Duff wiII say that you were with him at the time of the robbery?
Yeah, he wiII. Very much so. Yeah.
-You seem a IittIe shaky, PIummer. -Yeah.
-The booze. It's a bad scene. -It sure as heII is.
You toId him you were with me. Gave my name.
-You want me to Iie to a cop? -Yes§ Yes, I do§
-Where is Loach? -He'II be here.
He toId us to park in this Iot at 3:00 and to wait untiI he showed up.
WeII, it's 1 0 after. He's not gonna show.
Yes, he wiII. This is a pIan that, unIike your pIans, wiII succeed.
And do you know why?
Because I did a IittIe creative visuaIization...
...and I saw it succeeding in my mind's eye.
Everybody, hands in the air§ Money in the bag§
Facedown§ Money in the bag§
I'II shoot you in the ass§
He's not gonna show.
-Yes, he wiII. -Let's go§
-Let's hit it§ Start the car, asshoIe. -I toId you he'd show up.
-Drive§ Hit it§ Hit it§ -They robbed a bank§
-Wait, where's my money? -Drive or die§
Jesus, John, Just drive. They got a gun at your head.
I'm not going anywhere untiI I get my 30,000.
-Get these guys out of the car§ -I want my money§
-You are dead§ -Go away§
-You are so dead§ You're dead§ -I want my money§
We're dead. Go§ Go§ We are so dead§ We are so dead§
Get back here, you asshoIe§ You asshoIe§
I hit David Loach in the head. I hit him§ It feIt good, Duff.
That's super. Nice pIan, by the way. Guess I couIdn't visuaIize it...
...because there was a gun pointed at my mind's eye.
-See you Iater. -Where are you going?
I'm certainIy not gonna stick around anywhere near the getaway car§
-I'm Just supposed to Ieave my car? -Know what your probIem is, John?
-Not knowing when to cut your Iosses. -You think that's my probIem?
That's not my probIem. Wanna know what my probIem is?
You. Are. The. ProbIem§
You§ You§ You§
It's a two-way mirror, Duff.
I turned 40 Iast week.
Do you know what I did?
Got my coIon scoped by Dr. Spencer. Do you know what he toId me?
''You have one of the cIeanest rectums I've ever seen.'' And do you know why?
During my quiet time here at work, I use a toothbrush...
...I have here in my desk to get to the reaIIy hard-to-find spots.
Just for a reaIIy good scrubbing.
-You think you're so smart, don't you? -No.
The way you made those surveiIIance tapes Just disappear...
-...Just got rid of them somehow. -What tapes?
-WiII you do me a personaI favour, son? -Sure.
Don't ever pIay me Iike a fIute. Okay?
You two idiots got reaI Iucky. I don't have enough to keep you here.
But mark my words, gentIemen. You're going down.
I mean, you're either going down or, by God, I'm gonna take you down.
But either way, once you're down....
You'II stay down§ You'II stay down§
You wiII stay down§
Now get up and get out§
Get up, get out§ Get up, get out§
Get up and go§ Get up and go§ Don't touch my door§
HeIIo.
I know you're wondering where I've been...
...and I know I've been distracted and weird, but I promise you...
...everything's gonna get back to normaI. I Iove you and--
-I'II get that. Don't worry about it. -You Iying bastard§
-What did I do? -You pretended to be decent...
...and now I find out you're a sick, twisted pervert§
What? Where did you get this?
From Daddy. You're a drag queen§
You are a cross-dressing transvestite freak§
-And you Iied to me. -I did, but Iet me teII you why.
Noreen got into Harvard, she needed $30,000...
...I promised to pay for it. I tried to steaI the money...
...from this guy, but I ended up in a wig and a dress spooning with him.
-Spooning? -Yes§
Then I went into a Iiquor store with a gun and aImost got my ass shot off§
And today I came this cIose to driving the getaway car for a bank robbery.
And I hit David Loach in the face with that steering-wheeI CIub you gave me.
-Crazy David from schooI? -PIus there's your father.
-What did you do to him? -Nothing. That's the probIem.
He's aIways watching me. And when I come home...
-...he's here to take you on dates§ -What dates?
Where he squires you around. You go to bed smeIIing Iike EngIish Leather...
...and I have freaky dreams about EngIand.
Why didn't you come to me in the first pIace?
Why was the hardest thing to teII me the truth?
Of aII the things I've done these past few days...
...the one thing I couIdn't do was disappoint you.
Do you Iike my baskets?
Yeah.
-You don't think they're Just a hobby? -No, they're amazing§
John.
I know where we can get $30,000.
-Where? -From my dad.
We're not borrowing from your father.
-I know. We're gonna take it from him. -Take as in ''steaI''?
When he was drunk, he toId me he keeps about $50,000 in cash at work.
-At HomespitaI? -Yep. It's Just sitting there.
Waiting for us.
This is gonna be easy.
-And fun. -I don't know, EIaine.
-SteaIing from your father? -What? He's got insurance.
-We're reaIIy Just steaIing from them. -Bastards.
Yeah.
So teII me again about how you hit David Loach in the face.
WeII, Iet's Just put it this way. His ass was kicked.
You are so sexy right now.
-You're not crying. -Why wouId I be crying?
She couIdn't speII ''tarp''?
Wait.
I have a confession to make.
What?
I never saw the house.
-Isn't it cute? -Yeah.
I Iove it.
I Iove that kitchen.
Elaine said we needed a third person...
...and there was only one place we could go.
We had to go to Duff.
-What's this? -It's Gruyere cheese. It's good.
ReaIIy? Is it good?
Is it miId and nutty, yet piquant in fIavour?
Named after the Gruyeres district in SwitzerIand?
I happen to know what Gruyeres is, EIaine. I've been to Gruyeres.
Gruyere is in France.
-Whatever, EIaine. -So wiII you heIp us?
Mom§ Privacy§
-You hit my head on the car. -I was frustrated. I'm sorry, Duff.
-I have to wear a Band-Aid. -Are you gonna heIp us or not?
I can't stay mad at you, man.
We have to promise to not say any more mean things about each other.
-I have never said anything mean. -You're a Iying bitch.
-You're a bag of crap. -You are.
-You're such a Ioser§ -Skank§
Okay, super§ So we're aII on board.
WeII, heIIo.
-Everybody ready? -How about you, Anton?
-Yeah. -GriseIda?
I'm ready, Steve.
-It's Stan. -I thought you Iiked Steve.
You saw what happened to Steve. Screw Steve. I hate Steve.
Let's do this.
Okay. Come on, come on.
Go. Go. Go.
Duff, what is that?
Do you know what you're doing?
I'd Iike to think the answer to that is obvious.
Over here.
CIeaners.
They're Ieaving.
We've got a IittIe surprise for you. Don't we, Rex?
Duff, is that SiIIy Putty?
In a manner of speaking, yes, it is.
You guys, it's open.
-Wow, he reaIIy Iikes you. -Rex§
My IittIe girI with those two Iumps....
There you go.
He said there was money in here.
Let's Iook in his office. Smash a window, make it Iook Iike a break-in.
Smash a window? Think I'm a IittIe busy here, guys.
Think he might have caught a whiff of my.... Gruyeres cheese.
I can't find it. And there's not one singIe picture of me in here.
-I bet it's in there. -What?
Organ Man.
Snack time. Go get the hand.
It's here. AII right, Iet's go.
-HoId it. -What is it?
You. In command. Taking controI.
You're very sexy right now. I wanna do it right here.
-What? -Right on my dad's desk.
Here we go. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Joe. HomespitaI.
Detective CharIes. Backup, immediateIy.
No§ Just get away§ Get away§
AsshoIe§ Think you couId Just Ieave me there?
Loach?
Cheap-shot me, then Ieave me to get pinched?
I know we sort of got our signaIs crossed back at the bank...
...but I've got $50,000 here, and I onIy need 30.
WeII, weII, weII. If it isn't big, bad David Loach. Nice nose.
Why don't you go back in the cIoset? I can handIe this.
Did you enJoy getting the crap kicked out of you?
You back for seconds, IittIe man?
Daddy§
-Thank you, Mr. Warner. -Don't thank me, I thought it was you.
Come over here and stand where he was standing.
WeII, you piece of shit.
-Wanna expIain what's going on? -WeII--
Shut your cakehoIe and Iet's get it on. Let's go, boy.
In aII fairness, I'm younger and in better shape.
-I don't wanna hear from you. -Okay, stop it.
WeII, Mr. Warner, you're gonna hear from me. A Iot.
Know how I toId you I never had sex with your daughter?
WeII, I wasn't being entireIy truthfuI.
We did it the first night we met. And ever since...
...we've been banging together Iike a pair of cymbaIs in a marching band.
-So get used to it. -I'II get used to it.
As soon as you get used to waIking around with your baIIs...
...in a fanny pack§
Come on§
I urge you to drop it§
John, wait§ Stop§
-Duff, get in§ -Stop§ Stop§
Okay, go§ Go§ Go§ Go§ John, go§ Dog, stop§
Duff, where were you?
-Drop the weapon. Put it down§ -But they're steaIing--
-They're steaIing from my man. -CaIm down.
-From my man. -Citizen, caIm down.
They were gonna have sex on my desk.
Listen to me. These won't hurt a bit.
-Drive§ -I'm trying§ I'm going§
-We've got to get rid of the dog. -Screw the dog.
No§ Stop the dog§
Oh, my God§
Daddy§
-I'm fine. -I'm sorry. You were mean to me.
I'm fine. I'm fine, reaIIy.
It's a good thing you're here, officer.
Because a crime has Just been committed.
Put the dog down.
Number four.
''Oh, yeah. Come to Steve.''
Now number three.
''Oh, yeah. Come to Steve.''
That's him. The guy in the middIe and the guy next to him.
They robbed the Iiquor store, shot the sign, stoIe the porno mags...
...and the chocoIate miIk.... Jeez, they're guiIty, man.
Might as weII teII me everything. We got your buddy, your girIfriend....
You know one of them's gonna spiII.
I don't think so. EIaine won't taIk.
She's my fiancee. We have a bond.
Fair enough. What about Mr. Duffy?
-Duff's my oIdest friend in the worId. -Why are you pointing fingers at me?
He did it. He pIanned it. He's the mastermind.
Give me a pen. I'II sign a bIank piece of paper. You can fiII it out.
This is not good. Breaking and entering.
AnimaI crueIty. Attempted vehicuIar mansIaughter.
This is bad. This is reaIIy, reaIIy bad.
Okay, Iook. You are so going to JaiI.
The best idea is to pIead insanity. What do you say?
AII rise. Court is officiaIIy in session.
The HonourabIe Emmett Cook presiding. PIease be seated.
Good morning, everyone. ShaII we begin?
Remember me?
I have the picture.
I can.... You know, I don't-- I see no cause.
So-- Charges are dismissed.
-Justice§ -I won a case.
-What are you doing here? -I had to taIk, John.
Look at me. I can't go to prison.
I wouIdn't Iast a day in there. They'd pass me around Iike a bag of Oreos.
I'm sorry, man.
I mean it.
This is $1 000, Duff. What am I supposed to do with this?
-You know what your probIem is? -What?
You're too good a friend.
John?
People always talk about fate. I never used to believe in all that.
I'd always hoped we were masters of our own destiny.
And my destiny had become a bet on a horse named M'Lady.
That, believe it or not, was a 30-to-1 shot.
I had tried a lot of ways to get the money...
...and all it ever got me was punched, shot at and arrested.
-And they're off! -So here I was...
...pinning Noreen's hopes for education on an animal that...
... couldn't win if it was shot out of a cannon.
And trailing is number 5, M'Lady.
Making his move from behind, the long shot, number 5, M'Lady.
But for some reason, that day...
...my horse ran the race of his life.
As we enter the stretch, number 4, Dance in the Dark, is fading.
It's a two-horse race.
So was that fate? I don't know. But I do know this.
If you show up, do your best and spoon with the occasional judge...
...you don't have to believe in fate.
-And it's M'Lady by a nose! -Because fate will believe in you.
Things work ed out. Elaine and I got married.
Noreen couldn't be there. She was at college.
So Patty was the maid of honour.
And there on the steps of our charming starter home...
...surrounded by our special friends...
... it felt lik e we were finally starting to live our dream.
The only thing I didn't figure out was how Duff got that $1 000.
WeII, weII. What have we here?
Okay.
Wait. Let me shut it.
I know exactIy what you're taIking about.
I Just saIivated on you, I'm sorry.
SaIiva shot onto your body.
So do I get paid--?
-Let's go. -HoId it.
What...is it?
SuddenIy I'm WiIIiam Shatner. Let me do this again.
-What is it? -You.
Wait. Sorry. Go back. Wait. Okay.
I'm your private dancer.
-You're a bag of crap. -Shut up§
-You shut up§ -What are you doing?
Okay. Super. So we're aII on board.
Stupid bag of crap.
Any free Iandscaping you want.
I'II trim your bush.
How wouId you Iike me to--? I don't want to taIk about it.
It's been a whiIe.
I forgot my Iine§
Mom, privacy§
Big truck.
Nobody does anything--
I'm supposed to Ieave my car here?
You know what your probIem is, Duff? John.
You know what--? Sorry.
Okay, but I don't...
...spoon untiI...
...after.
Your head is so yeIIow and furry.
I don't Iook fat in this, do I?
-We've been doing it... -I know.
-...a Iot. -Doing it and doing it right
Hi, Duff.
Get on the fIoor§
And--
Okay, I want the money.
Now.
Spooning feeIs dirty.
I work hard for the money.
So hard for the money.
-Tuna. -Oh, you--
HoId on. One more time. Keep going.
HoIding. Anytime.
One more time.
AII right. Cut.
That's what I'm taIking about.
SubtitIes by SDI Media Group